Hello, I blog!
I share all my sporadic and toilet thoughts in here, because I am random like that.
Why I’ve been pushing people away
I’ve been actively pushing people away the past month and a half.
And I know people are getting increasingly exasperated. I’m sorry, but let me explain.
I used to be really open about things. To share with my friends exactly what is going on. I even detailed my health updates publicly in a blog as a form of release. My friends were my confidants, and I relied on them for emotional support.
Perhaps a little too much.
In 2010, I made a grave mistake. I had opened myself too much and trusted the wrong person. While this person was initially supportive, she soon lost her patience and subsequently made very harsh judgments. Judgments which rang into my ears until today.
I was really hurt. And since then, I stopped trusting.
I’ve stopped talking to anyone on this topic, and chose to rely on no one else but myself for emotional support. (Save for 1-2 close friends, and whining at my parents who I know for sure will not judge me no matter what.)
I’ve stopped letting people see me when when I’m down and under, and whenever I can, I put my strong face forward.
These days, when people broach the topic of my health, I change the subject entirely.
I also realized it’s better this way.
Emotionally, I’m better in touch with my feelings since and accepted the reality that certain conditions are going to be permanent and nothing is going to make it go away. I’m also used to coping on my own, after having done so for 3 and a half years.
Having to constantly account for my hospitalizations/illnesses to people is tiresome, and I’d really prefer not to go into it. I’m fine. I do not want anyone to pity me. And when people know too much, it inevitably opens a can of unsolicited medical advice (which I absolutely cannot stand).
And of course, I do not want my poor health to be top-of-mind recall when people see me. Let’s talk about happier things.
I’ve turned down several requests for hospital/home visitations. Because I know for sure we are going to (inevitably) talk about my health. I’m sorry, but I really don’t feel like talking about it. Plus, I am no longer comfortable with people seeing me when I’m weak. Let’s meet when I feel better. I’m no fun when I’m down.
I’ve ignored countless messages on Whatsapp. I’m sorry. I know you guys are worried, but I’d like you to know that I am handling things just fine and you don’t have to worry about me.
Please give me time. The crazy one will be back soon.
On unsolicited medical advice.
What is it about illness that opens a person up as a free-for-all repository of the worst, most condescending advice imaginable?
Unsolicited Medical Advice – Nothing about Everything
One word – no. I’ll stop you before you even start.
I’ve stopped talking to people about my health (apart from a trusted 1-2 closest friends) precisely because of this reason. Because everyone seems to want to have a say.
“I think you should change your doctor, I don’t think your current doctor is doing a good job.”
“Why don’t you opt for something more natural? Like Traditional Chinese Medicine.”
“You should seek a third opinion. Your current medications are too expensive.”
“You should take more vitamin A/B/C/D/E (or whatsoever).”
No. I did not ask you for your advice. And no, I don’t think you’re in the position to judge that “my doctor is not doing a good job” or “my medications are not right for me”. Neither should you be dishing out advice when you do not have the full picture. (Which you definitely don’t – I’ve kept 90% of the ‘picture’ hidden. The remaining 10% are the occasional symptoms you see.)
I speak for myself and most chronically ill people out there. I understand your intentions are good/you want to help. But really, no thank you.
Instead, this is what I ask for.
Trust that my doctor and I are allies, that we are working together towards the best possible way to fight this monster that is my illness(es). My doctor is doing his best. So am I.
Just because I am not in what you think is the “optimum state of health” does not mean that my doctor is not doing a good job. We are doing the best we can. It’s challenging to restore a car that has been in a bad accident to it’s original state of glory. Likewise for humans.
I accept my current state of health now (although you might disagree) because it’s already several times better than how it was before – when I was going in and out of hospital every week or even every night.
The road to recovery is not always smooth. There will be hiccups.
Trust in the fact that I am perfectly capable to manage my own health and make sound decisions.
Realize the reason why I am rejecting all forms of unsolicited medical advice is because I’ve been with this long enough to understand myself and my own body, and that I know my own medical history best, and what my current health can and cannot tolerate. (Not because I am stubborn or close-minded, as some people put it. On top of the fact that you’re sticking your nose up somewhere it doesn’t belong.)
There are many other ways to help without walking down the unsolicited medical advice route (which trust me, pisses the person off more than “helping”). Supportive messages when things aren’t going too great is good enough. And even if you’re silent when we’re seated face to face, I’ll still know you’re with me.
Thank you.
It makes me feel like you think this is somehow still my fault. Like, if I really wanted to get better, I would just do the random thing you were telling me about, because obviously that’s what you would do in my situation and then you would get better and then you wouldn’t have this issue. But that’s not reality.
All your unsolicited medical advice totally cured me! (J/k) – The Only Certainty Is Bad Grammar
My painful invisible disease is more real than your imaginary medical expertise.
Unsolicited Medical Advice – Unsolicited Medical Advice Warriors
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