Hello, I blog!
I share all my sporadic and toilet thoughts in here, because I am random like that.
Why I’ve been pushing people away
I’ve been actively pushing people away the past month and a half.
And I know people are getting increasingly exasperated. I’m sorry, but let me explain.
I used to be really open about things. To share with my friends exactly what is going on. I even detailed my health updates publicly in a blog as a form of release. My friends were my confidants, and I relied on them for emotional support.
Perhaps a little too much.
In 2010, I made a grave mistake. I had opened myself too much and trusted the wrong person. While this person was initially supportive, she soon lost her patience and subsequently made very harsh judgments. Judgments which rang into my ears until today.
I was really hurt. And since then, I stopped trusting.
I’ve stopped talking to anyone on this topic, and chose to rely on no one else but myself for emotional support. (Save for 1-2 close friends, and whining at my parents who I know for sure will not judge me no matter what.)
I’ve stopped letting people see me when when I’m down and under, and whenever I can, I put my strong face forward.
These days, when people broach the topic of my health, I change the subject entirely.
I also realized it’s better this way.
Emotionally, I’m better in touch with my feelings since and accepted the reality that certain conditions are going to be permanent and nothing is going to make it go away. I’m also used to coping on my own, after having done so for 3 and a half years.
Having to constantly account for my hospitalizations/illnesses to people is tiresome, and I’d really prefer not to go into it. I’m fine. I do not want anyone to pity me. And when people know too much, it inevitably opens a can of unsolicited medical advice (which I absolutely cannot stand).
And of course, I do not want my poor health to be top-of-mind recall when people see me. Let’s talk about happier things.
I’ve turned down several requests for hospital/home visitations. Because I know for sure we are going to (inevitably) talk about my health. I’m sorry, but I really don’t feel like talking about it. Plus, I am no longer comfortable with people seeing me when I’m weak. Let’s meet when I feel better. I’m no fun when I’m down.
I’ve ignored countless messages on Whatsapp. I’m sorry. I know you guys are worried, but I’d like you to know that I am handling things just fine and you don’t have to worry about me.
Please give me time. The crazy one will be back soon.
Girls make better men than … men.
If my friends and I were born male instead of female – I swear we’d make far better men than the existing men around. One phrase to describe today’s men, to sum them all up – chivalry is dead.
M and I reported for our exam invigilation duties and somehow found ourselves holding the glass doors open for one another at a 7-eleven store. (Imagine a glass door with two panels – me holding open one side and M holding the other side, basically staring at each other dumbly, unsure whom should go first.)
It happened again when we had to enter the building via another glass door.
That was when M concluded the whole situation with the title of this post – that girls (ahem, us) make far better men than err yes, men.
Why? Because we hold the doors open for each other (girls will most definitely appreciate that), offer to carry stuff for each other (again, another characteristic appreciated by girls) and the last quality that M swears I possess – that I swear like a bullet train. (Hehehehehe.)
In fact, it wasn’t just M and myself who would make good men.
A few days later …
Stef and I found ourselves stranded at the library after a sudden downpour. We had to part in different directions. but I offered to walk her to the bus stop since I had the good ol’ umbrella ella ella with me … or so I thought. (Okay, still about Brenda the MAN here but continue to read on!)
Realized later that my umbrella was nowhere in my bag (oops) – which means that I can’t walk Stef to the bus stop, which also means that both of us were back to square one – still trapped at the library. So much for being chivalrous. :(
Had to sit around and wait for the rain to stop in the end.
Later, Stef offered to walk me to my destination – which was a considerable distance away. I agreed after a slight tussle. (Because it means troubling her, but she insisted she was fine with it.) So, she walked me to my destination. (See? Chivalrous Stef!)
And in return, I walked her to the nearest bus stop at my destination.
Basically, we were walking each other to and fro. (Which I thought was rather hilarious.)
Will be away for the next two and a half days or so. Will be at Pulau Sibu, Malaysia with several crazy people from early morning tomorrow, trekking (yay!), soaking up the sun (yay!), watching them snorkel and participate in water sports (because I can’t swim) and capturing photographs like mad (sunrise/sunsets there are supposed to be spectacular).
So … until then! (:
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