Hello, I blog!
I share all my sporadic and toilet thoughts in here, because I am random like that.
My journey fighting depression
2020 was the year I finally acknowledged I had undiagnosed depression and decided to seek help for it.
The signs were all too clear. My online presence is largely angsty. Even though this blog is silent, I’m extremely active on Instagram. I upped my activity there since 2014 in an attempt to focus on more positive posts (since it’s more photo-based). While it worked initially, I was still prone to outbursts of angry posts as time went on, and especially so after the Instagram Stories feature appeared (where posts disappear after 24 hours).
A colleague/teammate of mine described my posts as “dark” – which I had to absolutely agree.
It was nearing the end of 2019 – a particularly bad year where I had prolonged loss of voice entirely (it’s back now, luckily) and a bad knee injury which relegated me to a wheelchair that pushed me to the edge.
I was aware I had low self-esteem, especially so after getting hit by one chronic medical condition after another. I always felt I was an inferior human being, and that I was nothing but a burden. Considering how 2019 was also the year I exhausted my hospitalization and medical leave and had to eventually go on unpaid leave, my self-esteem took a nosedive.
With my brain on overdrive with self-deprecating thoughts, I decided to review my Instagram Stories archive.
And… holy shit.
I even scrolled far back as 2017. At that point, I knew exactly why I can count at least 5 friends who have either unfollowed me on Instagram or muted me. (I’m that active on Instagram that it’s obvious to me when engagement from certain people have dropped to 0, haha!)
I was posting all those?!?!
I just wanted to dig a hole and hide myself in it.
Power is a scary thing
When placed in the hands of the wrong person, power can wreak utter and irreversible havoc.
“He only wants to stay there for the title. He only wants to stay there for his ego. He needs to get out. He needs to do the good thing, but I don’t think he’s capable of doing a good thing.” – Murkowski
It scares me to no end how someone like Donald Trump could become president. Or how he could have even become a presidential candidate to begin with. Surely, the person who can wield absolute power over the United States of America (and indirectly, the world – heck, he can order a nuclear strike unchallenged, if he wants to) should be thoroughly screened before he takes office, doesn’t he?
So, where did all this go wrong? Apart from Donald Trump being utterly deranged, something is wrong with the process. Because there are other deranged people out there beyond Donald Trump but they are not sitting in the White House throwing tantrums and manipulating people.
Astronauts are required to go through intense psychiatric assessments – to evaluate if they have any personality disorders, their abilities to cope under pressure and work in a team, their decision making thought processes and more – before they commence their space training. I do wonder if there’s something similar in place for presidential candidates.
The damage is already done. Unfortunately, he has too much charisma (used for the wrong reasons) and has amassed a manic following. So Trumpism will remain long after he is kicked out of the White House. The damage is almost irreversible, if at all.
Ah well, these are the things where I can only sit here and ponder about the world.
I’ve been trying to consume less news because it’s been a really trying time, and it’s better for my mental health. (In fact – limiting your exposure to news is highly recommended as one way to preserve your sanity in this highly unstable world.)
But part of me is also feeling uneasy about sticking my head in the sand and pretending that everything is okay when so much shit is happening in the world – like the blatant challenge to democracy by a sitting president, the unchecked proliferation of lies and how he enabled the storming of Congress (which brings me to another question – is their security THAT bad?!).
Thank you, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for finally shutting him up. You guys have finally come to your senses, although I cannot believe it took you this long.
Another random thought – I’m so glad to be born in 1986 where I’ve had the privilege of growing up in a relatively stable and quiet era. Today’s kids must be thinking – wow, adults are so screwed up.
Today’s world is a terrifying place to be.
It’s that time of the year again
It’s really funny how every year around this time, Mum and I will never fail to have this power struggle over the festive decorations in the house.
“You better take a good last look at your Christmas tree, ah. Because tomorrow it’s coming down!” Mum taunted this evening.
“What do you mean? It’s still Christmas! There are 12 days of Christmas.” I protested.
“TODAY is the 12th day of Christmas. Tomorrow is longer Christmas.” Mum’s eyes glittered with glee, obviously excited to pepper her red and golden and obiang (read: ugly) Chinese New Year decorations around the house.
Aww.
So, sayonara dear tree. Until it’s 31st October again and I can start fighting for the right to put you back up, HA!
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