Hello, I blog!

Sidenote: Sudden surge of backdated posts on this blog lately. Been writing random stuff in my iPhone notes during this year and rediscovered how carthartic writing is. Maybe this blog might gain a life of its own again.

This is weird.

It’s 2 days before I jet off to Vancouver. But I haven’t packed. I haven’t finished my itinerary. I haven’t researched.

In fact, my mood for the trip has all but fizzled out.

I blame the happenings of this week. After all the firefighting, the only thing that’s on my mind when I came home on all days this week is sleep. And even then, I couldn’t sleep. Recollections (more like nightmares) of the week’s happenings kept appearing in my dreams.

Insert random thought here: I’ve let the actions of assholes affect me too deeply again. This is so not worth it.

Throughout the week, my brain has been constantly switching between “I can’t wait for this break” and “this was a bad, bad idea”.

It’s about 48 hours before I fly. I’m still exhausted. And I’m worried I cannot recuperate the energy levels I need to take on this trip alone.

In Singapore, it’s okay. Because I usually operate on autopilot anyway.

But when I’m overseas and alone, I cannot afford to be this exhausted. I need to stay on alert. I cannot afford to let my attention drift. This takes additional mental energy.

And to be honest, this trip has also contributed partially to my stress levels. Because there’s always plenty to do each time before I jet off on a holiday.

Such #FirstWorldProblems, I know.

Perhaps the exhilaration will begin once I step on board the plane, like how it always does previously.

I hope.

—–

Oh, and all plans to chase the total solar eclipse in the USA are abandoned. Partially disappointed because the eclipse was supposed to be the highlight. But the cost of a 3D2N trip down south costs upwards of $1K USD per person. (Ouch.)

My bad, really. Eclipse chasers typically plan ahead 1-2 years before the event. And here I am trying to pull a 1-month stunt.

Has our society degenerated to a point where people are no longer seen as human beings, but a commodity?

The world I’m seeing right now is one of where the following has been happening.

“Can you do this by tomorrow if I pay you double?”

“If you guys don’t do ___ by this coming week, I’m not paying you.”

“All the other vendors are working through the weekend. We’re also paying your team so why can’t you do the same?”

The best part is how everyone simply tells me that “this is what it is”.

But what happened to the fact that we are all human beings; Living, breathing creatures with our own ideals, beliefs and personal lives, and varying circumstances, and not just “something that you pay for”?

We are people with our own lives to lead, beyond what we do for a living.

We have other commitments.

Some have their own families.

Some have other hidden battles (eg. health) that you don’t see.

And of course, the basic right to adequate rest because our bodies are not machinery.

Does simply waving additional money in our faces/threats of withholding payment quantify for all that?

And newsflash. Paying extra does not magically add an additional 24 hours to a day.

My heart is breaking watching my teammates getting shoved around like pawns, and not being able to help much because I myself am exhausted and already on the brink of a complete mental breakdown.