Hello, I blog!

2020 was the year I finally acknowledged I had undiagnosed depression and decided to seek help for it.

The signs were all too clear. My online presence is largely angsty. Even though this blog is silent, I’m extremely active on Instagram. I upped my activity there since 2014 in an attempt to focus on more positive posts (since it’s more photo-based). While it worked initially, I was still prone to outbursts of angry posts as time went on, and especially so after the Instagram Stories feature appeared (where posts disappear after 24 hours).

A colleague/teammate of mine described my posts as “dark” – which I had to absolutely agree.

It was nearing the end of 2019 – a particularly bad year where I had prolonged loss of voice entirely (it’s back now, luckily) and a bad knee injury which relegated me to a wheelchair that pushed me to the edge.

I was aware I had low self-esteem, especially so after getting hit by one chronic medical condition after another. I always felt I was an inferior human being, and that I was nothing but a burden. Considering how 2019 was also the year I exhausted my hospitalization and medical leave and had to eventually go on unpaid leave, my self-esteem took a nosedive.

With my brain on overdrive with self-deprecating thoughts, I decided to review my Instagram Stories archive.

And… holy shit.

I even scrolled far back as 2017. At that point, I knew exactly why I can count at least 5 friends who have either unfollowed me on Instagram or muted me. (I’m that active on Instagram that it’s obvious to me when engagement from certain people have dropped to 0, haha!)

I was posting all those?!?!

I just wanted to dig a hole and hide myself in it.

It’s scary how I think (and what I post) when I’m in a dark place. But at the same time, I’m quite in tune with my insecurities so I know exactly where and how those thoughts came about.

How I always saw myself as medically/physically inferior;

The guilt I constantly feel because I’m not always able to be present, and that I need more downtime than normal people;

My belief that I’m only a burden to my team in the workplace;

How I’m conscious about whether the people around me are judging me.

I decided enough was enough, and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist I found at my regular hospital in January 2020.

Before my first appointment, I prepared an “executive summary” for my prospective psychiatrist. In it, I documented my medical history and my symptoms – the random crying fits and angsty social media posts. I also listed all my insecurities.

I kept it under a page – short and succinct.

I attended my first appointment as if I was walking into a job interview. (Yep, that’s just me – I’ve downgraded to a ‘Type C’ in several areas but retained my former ‘Type A’ in certain others.)

She read my summary, she understood. We clicked instantly. We had a great conversation and managed to cover plenty in a hour. She was just so easy to talk to.

I was then started on the lowest possible dosage of antidepressants to manage the imbalance of brain chemicals (particularly serotonin – the chemical that regulates your mood).

It took me about 2 weeks to get over the side effects – predominantly nausea – before I started to feel its positive effects. I started to feel like I was more in control.

With the antidepressants doing their job, it was much easier to stay out of the dark side and focus on the positives. As 2020 progressed, I decided to be my own cheerleader, since I’m already doing the best I can despite all the chronic health shit that life has thrown at me.

I resumed full-time work in April, also the time when the circuit breaker (aka lockdown) commenced in Singapore due to the pandemic. Amazingly, I didn’t nosedive despite the pandemic, mainly because I was so used to being at home. (And well, I have to give the antidepressant some credit too.)

It’s now January 2021 and I’m still coping.

—-

I shall wrap up my post with a request to you, the reader, to support your friends who are going through chronic medical conditions or mental health issues.

It is impossible for you to fully understand how difficult it is for them to cope until you get hit by a chronic medical condition or depression yourself, so never ever judge your friends for not “getting their shit together” because they are already doing the absolute best they can.

Offer a listening ear and listen without judgment; Lift them up and encourage them; Affirm to them that they matter; Respect their quiet space and privacy if they require so; No religious preaching unless they’re the same religion as you; Refrain from commenting on their treatment (unless asked) as it’s between them and their doctor to decide so.

I’ve had friends (mostly acquaintences) who removed me from Facebook, presumably because they’re tired of listening to my same old struggles year after year. That’s fine. But if you encounter such posts on your Facebook feed and it’s from your close friend, please do me a favour and never abandon them.