A pretty mixed year with plenty of peaks and even more crevasses. Let me talk more about the crevasses – because in order to prevent more from occurring in the coming year, some serious change needs to take place.
On the whole, 2011 was a much better year than 2012. Somehow, an internal switch had been flipped in my brain during the transition of the years, because I was extremely positive in 2011 and conversely, negative in 2012.
I’m referring to my general outlook of myself. In 2011, I felt like I could conquer mountains. I was self-assured and confident in my arguments, opinions and whatnot. I felt like I knew what I was doing. Whereas in 2012, I felt the complete opposite.
Late last year, I recall reading an article about the importance of continuous learning, and how one should never be complacent because change can happen anytime (which is absolutely true). I am not sure whether it was a direct effect of that article, but I was really tough on myself this year – mentally berating myself to keep pushing and pressing on harder. Methinks I may have taken it a bit too far, because I now feel that I’ve lost touch with who I was in 2011 (when I was at my peak).
In 2013, I need to start being kinder to myself. Strike a balance somewhere.
2012 was also a bad year, health wise. The number of sick days I’ve taken was ridiculously high, with one hospital admission and numerous more A&E admissions for chest pains and acute gastric. As much as I love my work, I realized there are physical limits. Moderation is key – you may love your chocolate but too much of it is bad for you. And I often tend to forget that with my background heart and autoimmune conditions, I have to be extra careful.
At one point in time, I used to agree that “sleep is for the weak”. In my university days, I used to be really proud of the fact that I can go for up to 48 hours without sleep to complete a project, or how I could stay up during the wee hours at night studying or writing code and still not be tired the next day. What I didn’t realize was that my body was silently breaking down, till it cumulated in one medical condition after another in 2008. Now, my mantra is “you need to sleep to not be weak”.
I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to moderate my working lifestyle in 2013, because it’s too easy for me to be carried away. I can end up coding or designing for hours, forgetting to eat unless someone reminds me to. I acknowledge that this is a huge-ass problem I have to take control of soon … so I’ll think of something.
When I was 10, I was told by a tuition teacher that I had an obsession with perfection. When I was 18, I discovered I had a Type A personality. I haven’t changed, have I?
Last year, I was asked what were my resolutions for 2012. At that point, I felt that I needed no resolutions because 2011 was a terrific year. Now, if you were to ask me what are mine for 2013 … fuck yeah, I really need resolutions because I screwed up this year.
I have 7 days until 2013 begins. I’ll have a concrete plan by then, I hope.
I’ve always had a habit of hollering down the phone at telemarketers. Either that, or I’ll just snap down the line with a “whatever it is, I’m not interested and please don’t call back ever again!” (So if you’re a telemarketer, you’d probably want to stay far, far away.)
But this one caught me off guard. At the wrong place and the wrong time, with a different tactic.
I happened to be rushing for a meeting. Running a bit late too, might I add. Just picture a slightly panicky me scampering down a sidewalk under the blazing hot sun, looking for the office in some god-forsaken industrial estate.
Then the phone rang.
“Oh shites, it must be the client wondering where I am!” was the first thing that ran through my mind. I picked up the phone and managed a flustered-sounding “hello?”
“Oh, hi! Is that Brenda?” a very cheerful sounding voice rang out.
I was about to apologize for being late when the voice continued on in that same annoying faux cheerfulness.
“Oh hello Brenda! Do you remember me? I am [name]! We met at an IT show a couple of years back!”
My brain began whirring. What IT show? Do I even attend IT shows to begin with? And who is this person? Why don’t I remember her? And why the heck is she suddenly calling me?
“Do I know you?” I snapped.
“You don’t remember me, don’t you?” she laughed, before continuing on. “Yeah, I met you at an IT show some years back, and you expressed an interest in savings and financial planning!”
Whatthefug? Since when was I even remotely interested in that?!
“No I didn’t. I don’t remember meeting you. And when did I say that?”
She laughed again. “Oh yes, you did! I asked you whether you were interested, and you agreed that savings and financial planning was very important!”
My guard immediately went up. What the heck does she want from me? Unfortunately by then, it was too late to shake her off. (Plus, I was too polite to put down the phone, especially she said she knows me … which could be a lie but what if she really knew me?!)
She went on to pester me about setting up a meeting with her consultant, to which I vehemently refused. She still persisted, so I tried to ask for a phone number or email address which I can contact instead (to which she said there was no such service … whut?!). Eventually, she said she will call me again in a few months time and hung up.
It was only minutes after that conversation ended did I realize it was yet another cheap telemarketing strategy.
And within that 5 minutes (yes, 5 FRIGGIN MINUTES!), I’ve …
1. Lied that I was still studying. (Because these finance folks are generally not interested in students.)
2. Lied that I was having my exams so I’m too busy to talk to her.
3. Basically wasted my breath trying to weasel my way out of any further commitment.
Damn, I should have just hung up.
Now, thinking of a clever devil strategy to deal with her when she calls again later this year.
I need ideas. Anyone?
People should just learn to stop fucking judging.
Are you in that person’s shoes? Do you know what the person is going through? Do you know what it means to have depressive disorder (or any other major illness, for that matter)? Do you know how it feels to be subject to something that is totally beyond your control?
Do you know how it’s like to experience the anger, the frustration, the hurt and dejection as you continuously crawl your way back to normalcy but keep falling?
You don’t? Then shut up.
It’s so easy to simply stand out there and watch, blame and accuse. This is what the human race has degenerated into – a bunch of cold-blooded people with a complete lack of empathy.
I’m extremely relieved you’re still alive, Elaine.
And please stay alive. People love you.