I’ve been actively pushing people away the past month and a half.
And I know people are getting increasingly exasperated. I’m sorry, but let me explain.
I used to be really open about things. To share with my friends exactly what is going on. I even detailed my health updates publicly in a blog as a form of release. My friends were my confidants, and I relied on them for emotional support.
Perhaps a little too much.
In 2010, I made a grave mistake. I had opened myself too much and trusted the wrong person. While this person was initially supportive, she soon lost her patience and subsequently made very harsh judgments. Judgments which rang into my ears until today.
I was really hurt. And since then, I stopped trusting.
I’ve stopped talking to anyone on this topic, and chose to rely on no one else but myself for emotional support. (Save for 1-2 close friends, and whining at my parents who I know for sure will not judge me no matter what.)
I’ve stopped letting people see me when when I’m down and under, and whenever I can, I put my strong face forward.
These days, when people broach the topic of my health, I change the subject entirely.
I also realized it’s better this way.
Emotionally, I’m better in touch with my feelings since and accepted the reality that certain conditions are going to be permanent and nothing is going to make it go away. I’m also used to coping on my own, after having done so for 3 and a half years.
Having to constantly account for my hospitalizations/illnesses to people is tiresome, and I’d really prefer not to go into it. I’m fine. I do not want anyone to pity me. And when people know too much, it inevitably opens a can of unsolicited medical advice (which I absolutely cannot stand).
And of course, I do not want my poor health to be top-of-mind recall when people see me. Let’s talk about happier things.
I’ve turned down several requests for hospital/home visitations. Because I know for sure we are going to (inevitably) talk about my health. I’m sorry, but I really don’t feel like talking about it. Plus, I am no longer comfortable with people seeing me when I’m weak. Let’s meet when I feel better. I’m no fun when I’m down.
I’ve ignored countless messages on Whatsapp. I’m sorry. I know you guys are worried, but I’d like you to know that I am handling things just fine and you don’t have to worry about me.
Please give me time. The crazy one will be back soon.
One thing I really do not regret is taking up two psychology-related elective modules despite doing a technology-related degree – ‘Introduction to Psychology’ in Spring 2008 and ‘Social Psychology’ in Fall 2008.
Psychology is a really awesome discipline. It looks deep into the human psyche, and the takeaways from the modules I took were largely relevant in real life. It enabled me to better understand the behavour and thought processes of the people around, and got me in touch with the inner-workings of my mind.
I still have the textbooks from both courses. Despite it being almost two years ago, I can still vividly recall how I could practically devour several chapters of the textbook in one sitting, even going to the point of reading the entire textbook despite several chapters being ‘not in the syllabus’.
Needless to say, I aced both courses. Fun stuff, really. (;
It was also through Psychology where I realized that there are many flaws in the way human beings reason. It remains a fact that the world is a judgmental place, and the bulk of it is the result of these flaws in reasoning.
Human beings do make use of a lot of ‘shortcuts’ methodologies when perceiving things around them. These shortcuts ARE useful – they do save us a lot of brain energy, and we come to conclusions much faster when using these shortcuts.
However, these shortcuts are often derived from the general ‘norms’ or typical observations of people – which often do not apply to all. Most of us make use of shortcuts so regularly to an extent we fail to realize that human beings are a broad, complex species with a myriad of values, mindsets and behavioral patterns that cannot be fitted into moulds.
Lemme’ share some of the most common reasoning errors!