Whee! Doing a stunt!

Hello, I blog!

I share all my sporadic and toilet thoughts in here, because I am random like that.

Dec
28 2012

So, what does your daughter do?

Mum told me the other day she often had trouble answering the above question – which seems to be thrown left, right, up, down, center whenever she meets anyone.

It was then I realized that the industry I’m in is probably unfathomable to anyone in that generation. The startup scene, with its unstable income and unpredictability is still pretty much frowned upon by the baby-boomers (and any generation beyond that), at least in Singapore where people are generally risk-averse

And of course, mum will probably have to dodge the “why doesn’t your daughter just get a proper job?” question when she does tell them what I really do (which she doesn’t know how to answer anyway.)

So, I gave her a model answer to refer to.

“So, what does your daughter do?”

“My daughter spends her life doing something she’s really passionate about. Something that gives her space to be creative. Something that makes her look forward to going to work every single day.”

“So, what is that exactly?”

“You wouldn’t understand anyway. Since you most probably hate your job.”

Hurhur. I’m such a troll, aren’t I?

May
14 2011

I think I’m a lucky girl

Call it luck or the outcome of hard work (for some) – I am actually really happy with where I am right now.

1. I’ve an awesome Dad who supports me 100% in any career I choose to do, and every decision I make.

2. I’ve an extremely patient Mum who is willing to tolerate all my shit, my mood swings, and patiently bringing me for my frequent doctors’ appointments.

3. I’ve really supportive friends who – even when we don’t meet or contact for a short while – still keep me in their minds, and I know they love me as much as I love them.

4. I’m working in a really awesome company, with bosses (who also happen to be my friends) who took me on despite knowing my medical history, in full faith that I can bring value to the team. Also, I’ve colleagues who care for me, cheer me on when I’m down, and remind me gently to slow down when I’m go on full-workaholic mode.

5. All the past opportunities I’ve had: Enrolling in and graduating from a university that I love (and enjoying almost every single course and module that I took – in contrast to most other students who faced each school day with dread). Having previously worked at another startup company with people who are elites in their field, and gained invaluable experience in user experience design and web programming.

6. My natural myriad of interests in computers (since young – I first touched HTML code when I was 11), reading, writing, photography and human-computer interaction design which gave me much insight and help in my work. This also allowed me to combine work and pleasure at the same time.

It’s a mixture of of all the above factors that led me to where I am now. There are times where things go downhill, but everything happens for a reason. Ultimately, there will always be people who care (despite the well-known perception that this is a cruel world) and the fact that you have to be the one who stays in control despite all the events that fate swings your way.

With all the upsides, there is still one downside – my poor health.

But looking at it from another perspective, I’m happy I’m still alive after the past 4 years of struggles, and that I’m not dead yet. :P

How about you? What are you happy for?

Oct
27 2010

Introspection

Been doing a lot of thinking recently.

After having worked full-time for close to half a year, my perspectives have changed greatly. I became more aware of what I was looking for in a job, while my limitations became even more salient through my own eyes.

I always thought I was invincible. I guess my reputation of being that “excellent programmer” and “awesome team member” people generally enjoyed working with back in university stroked my ego a little too much. I generally felt there was nothing I cannot do, and if I can’t – I’ll learn it, and pick it up in a snap.

As a result, methinks I bit off a little more than I could chew when I chose to be a part of this project. Other than being generally present in the social media scene (and doing part time social-media and copywriting for almost nine months), I hardly had any marketing experience. On the other hand, the job scope involved product evangelism through multiple platforms.

Thankfully, I had my programming experience to fall back on, and I ended up doing a mix of tech engineering and marketing. People tell me that being able to do multiple things is my strength – I could write, illustrate, design, code, photograph and conceptualize ideas.

Unfortunately, being able to do too much can also spiral downwards to become a weakness – you end up specializing in nothing. Basically, the jack of all trades but the master of none.

In the second month of my involvement, I was beginning to pick up the vibes. Unfortunately, I have a pretty strong intuition when it comes to picking up signals as to whether I am doing well, or otherwise. And I really hoped I would eventually prove my intuition wrong. The vibes told me that my capabilities were far short of what was expected, and that I’d better pull up my socks.

So I did. I picked up a whole new programming framework in less than a couple of weeks, when my past programming experiences involved little or no frameworks. I read up articles online and reference books on social media and marketing strategies (and applied theories). However, I soon realized that I was constantly playing a game of ‘catch-up’. And if I was doing that, it meant it was unlikely I were to ever significantly contribute something worthwhile.

I soon began to question myself and my abilities endlessly. Here I am in a startup filled with immensely brilliant people, all experts in their own field. They specialize in what they are doing, and they know their craft inside out. Me? I may be able to do many things, but my knowledge is at most surface level.

So, what on earth am I doing here?

I briefly brought up my thoughts to some of my closest friends, who told me repeatedly to stop being silly, that I was thinking too much, and that I had a ridiculously low opinion of myself. I hoped they were right too.

Unfortunately by then, my confidence was practically crawling on the floor – although my ego prevented me from admitting it back then. I really wanted to make a worthwhile contribution, for my presence to actually make a positive difference. However, I was usually struggling to play catch and quite a few times, ended up falling flat on my face. Either because I did something wrong, or produced something that wasn’t up to expectations.

Into the third month, I was beginning to pick up vibes that told me I could possibly be in trouble. I was becoming a bit redundant, and I was surrounded by people who could easily take over individual parts of what I am doing and do it ten times better.

The situation is much worse considering how I am a highly competitive industry. So it becomes a case of may the strongest win.

A couple of times, I have had thoughts of leaving. The team needs talented people who are skilled at their craft, not someone who simply knows the basics. The team needs people they can count on to surge forward in the face of stiff competition, not someone who has to catch up with the pace all the time. I was like a little dimbulb in the presence of all the bright souls around. However, I stayed on – ego strikes again, I suppose. Because leaving would make me seem like a quitter. And I am no quitter.

But the fourth month rolled around and I was beginning to feel really redundant. I mean, I was still contributing tirelessly. But I didn’t feel particularly useful.

It then dawned on me at that point in time that my ideal job has to go more than simply doing what I enjoy doing. I have internal expectations of myself when it comes to work, and I want to exceed them. I wanted to be a part of the forces that pushes things forward, and to make revolutionizing contributions and changes.

Unfortunately, I have way too many limitations in ability.

Limitations can be overcomed – that’s what I had always believed in. However, for someone with such a large ego to be suddenly aware of her multiple limitations, it was a bit too much to handle at one go.

Eventually, the inevitable happened. I was one of the first few to go when the team decided to downsize. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t see that coming.

Again, my intuition proved itself right.

I love my team. I am extremely proud of them and how far they’ve come. As for me being a part of it, I am uncertain as to whether I should be proud of myself or not because part of me thinks I don’t deserve to be there.

I still have faith that my knowledge and ability in multiple tasks will continue to be one of my strengths. However, this strength has to be fitting with the project I choose to work in. If a project involves a team of highly talented folks that are the best of the best in their individual fields, put together while complementing each other nicely, then chances are, I won’t fit in because I’d become redundant very fast.

Meanwhile, I’d try to put my shattered confidence together and continue to broaden my horizons in the world of marketing and social media in the coming months so that I can be my usual rockin’ self in the next project I join.

I had learned a lot in the past five months though. From work habits, to enriched experiences in my different fields – I had especially learned a lot about UX through one of my team mates, not to mention how my programming ability has improved by leaps and bounds. I had also picked up countless habits for creative thinking and idea generation. Oh and yeah, humility.

I still have a long way to go though. One can never be good enough. But I hope to get there.

And I hope the next round, my intuition will be telling me a different story.

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